![]() You may be primed to respond in a certain way to very similar treatment and behavior patterns. This could be especially apparent with an abusive partner who reminds you very much of a toxic caregiver or parent. People who have had unstable or difficult relationships as children may be more likely to end up in trauma bond relationships. This feeling is not love, but the trauma bond itself. Then why would you wish it for yourself? Some convince themselves that strong emotions make the relationship unique and different for you. You wouldn’t wish your relationship on cherished friends and loved ones.Some mistake this feeling for love, but it’s often rooted in fear and previous trauma. But when they’re not around, you feel a sense of panic that overwhelms you. You may not even like to be around your partner. You may even decide to leave and then find yourself drawn back. Here you continue to extend trust and goodwill to your partner, even though by any reasonable standard they have breached that trust over and over again. This is a very strong sign of a trauma bond. If your partner calls you names or yells at or even hits you, you say it’s because they’re having a tough time or had an unhappy childhood. You justify abusive behavior that you know is wrong.There are some things you might notice about your own thinking and behavior that may suggest a trauma bond relationship: What Are the Warning Signs of a Trauma Bond? This further drives the tendency to explain away bad treatment and behavior in order to resolve cognitive dissonance. These might be some of the things that drew you to them in the first place. It probably doesn’t hurt that abusers are often experts at caring for the very wounds that they create in the first place and promising to completely change their behavior.Īnd of course, there are periods when the abuser acts with great care, support, and apparent affection. (Psychologists call this conflict of opposites “cognitive dissonance.”) For example, if the abuser is now the caretaker, our minds tend to rationalize their behavior: Maybe it was a misunderstanding, or they were having a bad day, or you did something wrong. There is also a strong tendency in humans to resolve opposites in our mind. To start with, your history with the person, especially if it’s a long one, creates a strong bond whether you want it or not. Parents are typically the first attachment figures, but this naturally changes in adulthood to a spouse or romantic partner.Īs strange as it sounds, when abuse comes from an intimate partner, it is often our tendency to seek help and care from that same person. ![]() Our brains are hard-wired from birth to turn to a close “attachment figure” when we feel threatened or abused. This is part of the reason why more time spent with an abuser can make it harder to leave. This cycle between intense closeness and mistreatment creates a bond that has both an emotional and physical basis and tends to keep on growing over time. ![]() When you do get those things, your brain makes chemicals like oxytocin, dopamine, and others that help strengthen the bond with your partner. But these alternate with periods when they may ignore, mistreat, and even abuse you.Īnd even though you may no longer feel any affection, trust, love, or attraction to your partner, you still turn to them for care and support. The “abuser” in such a relationship can make you feel intense love and excitement at times. It’s when one partner misuses feelings of fear, excitement, or sexual attraction to trap another partner in an unhealthy relationship, typically an intimate one. ![]()
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